i promise this one is a useful video! haha, about what this month means to me in my recovery and how amazing recovery freaking feels! love you guys! <3333
why wait for tomorrow to challenge myself when the oppertunity presents itself today! In response to my video, challenging myself once a day for the whole month of February for NEDA month, I decided I would start today with a bowl of my moms homemade chicken noodle soup with white orzo noodles, carrots, celery, fresh herbs, topped with parmesan cheese! On the side I had some whole grain sesame crackers. Nothing better than a homemade bowl of soup while being sick! So happy I am actually doing this :) going to be the start of a great month!
My stylish work outfit :) butler at a restaurant! I don’t know how guys wear these things, they’re so uncomfortable! Also tried a huuuuuuuuuge scoop of white chocolate pistachio semifreddo at work, omg it was so freaking good! My ED surely didn’t want it but oh boy Ashley 110% enjoyed it :)
hey baby girl, so here would be my advice. our ed likes to put us in a cycle, a vicious one at that. he loops us around to our good “i want to recover days” than brings us right back down into not even knowing what recovery is and depressed days. this will happen forever and ever unless you make continuous strides to making yourself better. stop connecting every single action in your day to your body image and just start connecting your mind with your feelings, emotions, and physical state and realize that if you dont take steps towards recovery, your body will keep failing and you will keep continuing on this destructive cycle. look baby girl, we have only got ONE life to live, why live it under someone elses rules? why let some internal force control our every move and ultimately conquer our happiness? The answer is, we absolutely shouldnt, and we have the power of making that stop. one by one we take the steps we know how to do into recovery and although it is not easy, when you just grin and accept that everything will be worth it in the end, you begin to see the beautiful life around you and grasp that life is so much bigger and better than this ed. i know you can do this, i truly believe everyone has the power to recover no matter how long you have struggled or how many times you have attempted recovery, make this time the best and the last. xoxo
this is meeee, the names Ashley. Never been happier. Went out all day yesterday and was put out of my comfort zone in so many ways but it was amazing. I was able to just be myself and enjoy the night. Wow its so weird to even think that i have truly developed a personality, a passion for life, and even just simply a balanced life after everything I have been through. I really never thought it was possibly to recover from my ED, i was ready to accept it and just tell myself this is who I am and who I will always be and never thought there was anything better on the other side of my struggles. I am happy to say I feel freedom, even though I still have plenty of thoughts like everyone else, I still have regrets, body image days, hard times with food (but rarely!), I can look past them and not have it affect my day, i can see right beyond those destructive thoughts that used to take up my day and just smile and let it all go knowing that if I engaged in those thoughts, itd be taking away from the amazing life I have built around me. I hope everyone in recovery comes to realize that if you just give recovery a chance, step one foot in the right direction, it feels so good to be able to feel the change in your life and put the demon inside of you to rest. Everyone deserves to be free, both you and me <3
Today I have realized something. I did a workout for the second time since being recovered and I couldnt help but smile the entire time. Although I used to have a terrible exercise addiction, excersise itself was never the demon. I remember those days where I would exercise until I couldnt breathe anymore and it would never feel like enough. I would sit in my basement, look at my stomach and feel like I couldnt give up until my stomach was flatter than a board. Going back into exercise after recovery has been such a challenge. Even the thought about having the same experience with excersise as I did when I had my ED was completely traumatic and held me back from even attempting to exercise again. Going today to the gym was such a revelation. I realized that exercise was never the problem, it was the thoughts my ED had planted in my head, “you never good enough, thin enough, strong enough, etc…” that made me feel like exercise was the only way to let go and really fight off ED until those thoughts subsided. Today I was in the gym, properly fueled, dressed, and mentally ready for the challenge ahead of me. I saw the exercise as more of a “feel good” kind of time instead of time to tone my body. Allowing myself not to connect my mind with the body image I wanted to gain by exercise and just thinking of it as a way to move my body and channel my energy really allowed me to focus on strengthening my mind and my body instead of telling myself I was only exercising to alter my body image. I am so happy I can be in an envioirment where there are skinner girls, more physically fit girls, and I can still find a happiness and peace within myself to accept and be confident in my body the way it is. After the zumba class I did with my mom I didnt feel as if I had to restrict in order to shed some cals, I didnt get triggered by the girls who went on the tredmil afterwards, I walked out the class feeling so proud and accomplished of myself that I had achieved something so great and spent a lovely morning at the gym with my mom. I hardly even engaged in the class because me and my mom spent the time laughing at the old guy trying to dance next to us. Back in my ED days I would be so antsy and needed to be moving every single second but today I look my time, laughed in the corner for a good 20 mins in the corner, and went outside to talk to an old friend during the class! So pretty much I am just telling you guys that not exercising during recovery was the best thing I could have ever done. When I tried to gain while doing exercise before, when I started to maintain my weight I felt like I had to do more exercise to do so. Now my mind doesnt connect any level of activity with maintaining my weight because I have nothing to compare it too. I am able to have the freedom to do 5 minutes of working out and feel great or 1 hr and feeling just as good. I was able to fully restore my metabolism and clear my mind of connecting exercise with altering my body image and just think of it as a fun activity now and my body will change if it wants to! Couldnt be any happier with my experience today, I had such a blast and it will surely not be an everyday thing but I am so freaking happy that I can finally have a normal healthy relationship with exercise! hope everyone is having a lovely saturday! xxx
le breakfast of a
obese man hungray gal ready to live, love, and enjoy her life, no matter what others think.
enjoying it even more because i know it is what is right for my body.. <3