hey guys sorry i havent been around today but it was just a crazy hectic day and alot of stuff went on that was really unexpected but I am finally here to share with you guys what happened on my date the other night!
so first off, his name is mike. he is sooooo nice like so unexplainably real and wholesome and I met him at school because he is in 2 of my classes with me. He picked me up, (opened the car door for me :D), and we went out to eat. I honestly didnt want to know where we were going in advance or anything because I didnt want to have an anxiety attack or go and look through the menu trying to think about what would be the safest option to get so I just didnt ask anything about it. we wound up at a cute little bar and grille around the corner from my house. The waitress sat us down and both of us were so wrapped up in conversation we didnt wind up ordering our food until a half hour after sitting down! He honestly made me feel so comfortable around ordering food and there was not one awkward silence. When it came time to actually pick my meal I checked out the menu and saw a display of foods I used to love pre-ed and also plenty of safe options my ed would love. It was really hard to try to order myself something I thought i’d enjoy yet would still be easy to eat in front of my date and something that would meet my requirements for my meals, and something that was normal and challenging. So as my eyes were frantically running through the menu options Mike kept a smile on my face with his funny stories about school and life in general and it made me realize this date wasnt about the food, it was about socialization and having a great time. When the waitress came up Mike ordered his food and I ordered a steak quesadilla with sweet potato fries on the side! It was so yummy and my mind totally wanted to order the 30 gourmet salads that their menu offered but I stuck with a hearty delicious healthy meal and it was soooooo freaking good. Mike had ordered a buffalo chicken wrap and was ranting the entire time about how good mine smelled! While I was eating my meal I didnt think even once about the large portion, the oil it was grilled in, the amount of calories, or anything about the food. I looked straight in front of me at the smiling face of someone who seems so optimistic and has such a positive healthy vibe towards life that it really just shut every ED thought out of my mind for the entire night. After laughing the entire meal and enjoying our delicious food, we had full bellies and were ready to go to the game! We got stuck in a bunch of traffic but the whole ride to the game we were jamming out to a variety of music including “call me maybe” and were dancing around the car and singing at the top of our lungs. It was so fun to be with someone so free spirited and the feelings that aroused in me were of such joy and happiness, I felt so normal and free and I realized it in the car. I realized that i had just eaten such a large wholesome healthy meal and was now not thinking about the food but cherishing the person who has really brought me with him to have a good time, and that was my goal for the night, a good time. So after losing our voices to the radio and sharing our high school horror stories we arrived at the game. We sat down as the cool breeze hit us, we snuggled up against each other for warmth and watched as the Phillies knocked homeruns out of the park like crazy! we did the wave several times along with the crowd and there was not once second the entire game that we werent talking and laughing. By the time the game was over my cheeks hurt so much because I was smiling and laughing so much it was crazy and so amazing. When we arrived back at the car I was greeted with a passionate and loving kiss. As we were kissing the parking lot patrol guy drove by but hey, that didnt even stop us! haha laughing as i type this just thinking of how funny it was. Anyways than we got back in the car, continued singing as loud as we could and tickling each other and got so distracted by being so happy in each others presence that we got a bit lost, but all he said was “hey, its just more quality time, right?” i couldnt believe it, i am special enough to have someone actually care about me, wanting to hang out with me, wanting to spend time with me and actually liking me for who I am, not someone I am pretending to be or someone that is masking me. I was so insecure for the longest time during my ED thinking noone would like me because I am not as funny, smart, experienced, cool, stylish, pretty, rich, as everyone else around me that I just totally gave up and shut myself out from the world with the fear that I wouldnt be accepted. But there I was, all night laughing, cracking my own jokes, and just finally being happy, being me. It felt so amazing and if i could have every night be like last night was I am seriously never turning back to my ED thoughts again because that experience wouldnt have been remotely the same if I had my eating disorder. So sorry for ranting and sorry that this is so long but I have been getting so many questions lately about girls who feel like they will have no friends when they recover but honestly, it takes a while but once you put yourself out there and I mean you must truly let go, it is so much fun, so freeing, and so worth it!